Thursday, October 1, 2009

The After Effects of The Burn....





I was talking earlier to Tumas Luminous, a very close friend of mine from New York, whom I picked up in Reno and brought to his first Burning Man. He mentioned how he has been all fucked up since Burning Man- physically and mentally. He went through alot out there in the desert; he and his girlfriend broke up, and it really hit him hard.


I can tell you that I also had an emotional, mind-fuck out there as well. I can't pinpoint exactly what or why, but I am significantly different than I was before. I had gone years without crying, save once. Years. I mean, maybe a once-a-year teary-eyed minute or two,, but I don't even think that to be true. And as far as a good ball...nah. Well, it poured out of me throughout Burning Man this year. It was not even sad crying for the most part, which is strange. And often times other people I was with were doing the same. Strange. The air sometimes was so intense. Who knows. I can't tell you, cause I am not used to this. Anyhow, a few days after the Burn, I even felt the remnants of my emotional spooging. I cried again, but this time it was fueled by 10 hours of powerdrinking, absynthe from some weird jar, and pent up emotions regarding a suitor. A quintessential crying combo.


My mind is different now. I can't tell you how, but it is. I am more confused about life- my options, future, blahblah, etc. But I am more sure about what I do not want my life to be. And it's hard- seeing much of the world around me running their races. I step into the race occasionally to secure myself financially enough so I can step out of it again. And although the race I step into is closest to the fringe of races in general, it is nonetheless a race. I make money, I save money, I spend money, I make money, I save money, I spend money. I am a hamster in the wheel. I am not complaining- this is the garden of my great life! The wheel is a luxury wheel. I am by no means simply existing.


This time last year, I believed that yes, I am part of the matrix, but it is not necessarily a part of me. I didn't even know what a matrix was, perhaps because Keanu Reaves is my least favorite actor ever. What I really believed, or hoped, is that I am a part of traditional society, but traditional society is not a part of me. Now, I feel that there are just as many reasons that this is true as there are reasons for it being false. I especially realize the latter when I pay my cell phone bill every few months before they turn it off (even though I have the money to pay it on time). Or when I had a bunch of parking tickets in San Francisco that were later sent to my parent's house in New York. Or when I buy stuff, which I do often. I can't help it- I like stuff!

Now, I know in Guatemala, for instance, if I were to live there more permanently, I know I would still have a cell phone. But it would be pre-paid. And I would not have a car, but I would still pay to ride a bus. And I would still buy stuff- I told you- I like stuff. And yes, I know it is possible to do these things in the US (which I do- ridiing the chinatown bus to ny, riding 3 or 4 subways in an hour, taking the bus to New Paltz, turning a 3 hour car-ride into a 6 hour ordeal). I know it is possible here, but it is just easier to do away from here.
Cause no matter what I am doing here to distance myself from the rat race, I feel like there is just so much more here that reminds me I am in it. It is a conundrum or something. And I did not even plan writing about this rat race stuff here- I'm just noting the emotional after-effects from the desert.

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